Life Spring Healing Arts

Humor

Among all the approaches to healing and self-healing, there is an important place for humor, laughter, cheerfulness, and mirth. In the Orient, laughing clubs give people an opportunity to benefit from the physiological effects of laughter, and in the west, we have stories of people such as Norman Cousins. Norman in part resolved a serious illness by watching funny movies and holding a positive attitude. Thus I am including on my website at least this small attempt at providing some humor, to remind us not to take everything so seriously all the time and to look for what is funny wherever we can find it.


Analogies and Metaphors from Real High School Student Essays:

  1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.
  2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
  3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
  4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
  5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
  6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
  7. He was as tall as a six-food-three-inch tree.
  8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegration because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
  9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
  10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
  11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.
  12. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
  13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
  14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.
  15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
  16. John and Mary had never met. They were also like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
  17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
  18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
  19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
  20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
  21. The young fellow had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
  22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame - maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
  23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
  24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
  25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
  26. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.
  27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
  28. Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened.
  29. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidently staple it to the wall.

For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously

  1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
  2. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  4. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  5. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
  6. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  7. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  8. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
  9. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Health Tips

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:
Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is apparently what kills you.


Alternate Meanings for Words

Once again, the Washington Post has published its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the winners are...

  1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle(n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
  12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
  13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
  14. Pokemon (n.), a Jamaican proctologist.
  15. Frisbeetarianism(n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
  16. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Proverbs with a Smile

You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop laughing.

Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.

I always wanted to be a procrastinator; I never got around to it.

I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.

It hurts to be on the cutting edge.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

I am a nutritional overachiever.

I am having an out-of-money experience.

I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Age doesn't always bring wisdom, sometimes age comes alone.

Life not only begins at 40, it begins to show.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say may be misquoted, then used against you.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

It's hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?


The Captain's Parrot

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, the parrot started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, it's not the same hat!" or "He's hiding the flowers under the table!" and "Hey, why are all those cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day, then another.

Finally the parrot couldn't hold back any longer and squalked, "OK, I give up? What'd you do with the ship?"


Help, Doc!

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, calm down. Be a little patient."


Signs found in some of the best kitchens.....

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

A clean kitchen is the sign of a wasted life.

My house was clean last week. Too bad you missed it!

I came. I saw. I decided to order take out.

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day!

So this isn't Home Sweet Home. Adjust!

Ring bell for Maid Service. If no answer, do it yourself!

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

If you don't like my standards of cooking -- lower your standards.

Help keep the kitchen clean. Eat out.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.


The Frustrated Commuter

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"

"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."

"Tell me! What is it?"

"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome."


Where?

Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?

Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.


Doctor's Visit

Doesn't it seem that more and more physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?

Here's what happened to Buford:

Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles. So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Buford to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles. So she gave Buford a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told Buford to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Buford what he had.

Buford said, Shingles.

The doctor asked, Where?

Buford said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?


The Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.

"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.

"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered, "It's Adam's suit!!"


A Few Chuckles

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. Calvin Trillin

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar. Anonymous


Medical Definitions

Anally -- occurring yearly

Artery -- study of paintings

Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria

Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails

Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U

Caesarian section -- district in Rome

Cat scan -- searching for kitty

Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her

Colic -- sheep dog

Coma -- a punctuation mark

Congenital -- friendly

D&C -- where Washington is

Diarrhea -- journal of daily events

Dilate -- to live long

Enema -- not a friend

Fester -- quicker

Fibula -- a small lie

Genital -- non-Jewish

G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game

Grippe -- suitcase

Hangnail -- coathook

Impotent -- distinguished, well known

Intense pain -- torture in a teepee

Labour pain -- got hurt at work

Medical staff -- doctor's cane

Morbid -- higher offer

Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate

Node -- was aware of

Outpatient -- person who had fainted

Pap smear -- fatherhood test

Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis

Post operative -- letter carrier

Protein -- favoring young people

Rectum -- damn near killed 'em

Recovery room -- place to do upholstery

Rheumatic -- amorous

Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf

Secretion -- hiding anything

Seizure -- Roman emperor

Serology -- study of knighthood

Tablet -- small tablet

Terminal illness -- sickness at airport

Tibia -- country in North Africa

Tumor -- an extra pair

Urine -- opposite of you're out

Varicose -- located nearby

Vein -- conceited


Tech Support

Last year I upgraded *Girlfriend 1.0* to *Wife 1.0* and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker-Night 2.1 and Beer-Bash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected.

I can not seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system.

I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but un-install does not work on this program.

Can you help me?

Bruce M.

++++++

Dear Bruce,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES and ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything.

WARNING! DO NOT try to un-install, delete or purge the program from the system once installed.

Trying to un-install Wife 1.0 can be disastrous!

Doing so may destroy your hard and/or floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will also destroy valuable system *resources*.

You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system.

Look in your manual under Warnings - + Alimony/Child Support

Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the background, while Wife 1.0 is running, but eventually Wife 1.0 detects Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs.

This usually leads to a non-recoverable system crash.

Some users have tried to download similar products such as *Fling.exe* or *OneNiteStand.exe*. Often these systems have become infected with a fatal virus.

I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPF's).

You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.

The best course of action will be to push the *Apologize Button* on your computer and then hit the *Reset Button* as soon as lock-up occurs.

System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPF's. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is normally very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0

+ Monthly use of utilities such as TLC.exe and FTD.exe

+ Frequently download the *Communicator 7.4* LiveUpdate

Hope this helps...

TECH SUPPORT


For More Humor

Search Amazon.com for humor books.

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